Seven Ways to Cope With Infertility: A List Inspired by Two Stellar Memoirs
by Merle Bombardieri, MSW, LICSW author of The Baby Decision
Even though Raleigh, North Carolina and Sydney, Australia are on opposite sides of the globe, prize-winning authors Belle Boggs (The Art of Waiting) and Julia Leigh (Avalanche) share a world in common: infertility and the anguish it inevitably brings.
The authors’ spellbinding narratives, told gorgeously, enable people struggling with infertility get to feel more understood and less alone. They also offer family and friends a window onto their loved one’s suffering.
These memoirs, in addition to describing the authors’emotional (and sometimes physical) pain, demonstrate the necessity of emotional support and respect from partners, family, friends, and medical professionals. Leigh is devastated when her partner leaves her during the treatment process, but family, friends, and professionals rally to support her. Both authors criticize the commercialization of treatment and the financial burdens of medical treatment and adoption, making them unavailable to many people.
Below are seven tips on coping with infertility, which occurred to me while reading these memoirs:
- 1. Look for compassionate, not just competent, medical help. Both writers encountered some professionals who were kind, others who were indifferent or insensitive. Most communities have some medical staff who are both kind and competent. If you are unhappy with how you are being treated, ask others in your infertility support group, such as RESOLVE (resolve.org), friends, your psychotherapist, primary doctor or OB-GYN for referrals.
- Don’t suffer alone. Use support. Contact RESOLVE or your clinic for a referral to a local support group or participate in an online chat group. If you are too shy or private for a group meeting, talk to your partner or a trusted friend or do short-term work with an individual or couple psychotherapist who specializes in infertility.
- Don’t get stuck on a conveyor belt treatment plan. Beware of the financial, medical, and insurance bureaucracies. Make sure your plan fits your budget and comfort level with high-tech treatment. Before agreeing to a procedure, find out the success rate for your age and medical condition. Although statistics are not crystal balls, they are useful in talking to your doctor. Get a second medical opinion. Ask friends and support organizations such as RESOLVE for help. Find out if your state/company offers fertility coverage. You could also ask clinics and adoption agencies if they offer any grant money or reduced fees.
- Find meaning and purpose that provides joy regardless of whether you have a child or not. Both authors found meaning in their writing—not just the memoirs reviewed here, but also the novels, stories, and screenplays that were already sources of satisfaction in their life’s work. Julia Leigh, who sadly never got pregnant, found great comfort and meaning in her relationship with her nieces. Some examples of how others have found meaning are painting, doing volunteer work, getting a pet, learning a new language, or taking up a new sport.
- Use reading and writing for self-expression, sharing and healing and to educate family and friends.
Writing doesn’t have to be time-consuming. For instance, you could take twenty minutes a day to read some passages from these memoirs, or jot down a paragraph once or twice a week about your hopes and frustrations. You can keep this work private, or, if you choose, share with a partner or friend. - Demand respect from loved ones. Do they accuse you of overreacting? Show them a few passages from these memoirs. Their perspective will change after they read about the moments of despair that happen even to highly resilient people.
- Rest assured that your suffering will end at some point, whether you get pregnant or not. You will not be stuck forever on the merry-go-round. If your treatment doesn’t produce a baby, when the time is right, you will move on to other ways of parenting, or even a content (believe it or not) childfree life. While undergoing infertility treatment, only part of your suffering is from childlessness itself. You’ll feel better when you are no longer going through the ordeal of treatment, and when you are no longer plagued by uncertainty of whether or when you will finally have a child.
Now that you have the seven tips, enjoy some beautiful lines in the books they sprang from:
Belle Boggs writes in The Art of Waiting:
“It’s spring when I realize that I may never have children, and around that time the thirteen-year cicadas return…filling the air with their singular purpose: reproduction. (p.3).” Boggs brilliantly juxtaposes the noise of loudly procreating insects with the silence of childlessness—the absence of cries, coos, or giggles.
Julia Leigh, in Avalanche, describes an egg retrieval procedure:
“So sci-fi I couldn’t believe I was doing it.” Awakening from the procedure, “I had a piece of masking tape stuck to my palm with the number six written on it with a felt-tip pen. My teeth would not stop chattering. The number six, what did that mean? A nurse told me that six eggs had been collected for freezing (p. 61).”
Later, when Leigh decides to stop treatment, she goes to her sister’s house and Elsie, her three-year-old niece, gives her a birthday present:
“I slowly opened the box. Her eyes widened with delight. Inside were pieces of a pink jigsaw puzzle. ‘It’s a box of babies!’ We played with the jigsaw babies for a long time and I did not flinch. That would have been unthinkable a year ago. I was suffused with a burning tender love for that astonishing girl. (pp. 132-133).” This is a breakthrough moment for Leigh, to enjoy her niece as the unique person she is, rather than a reminder of the baby she will never have. Leigh’s courageous memoir may reassure you that it is possible to travel a path from desperation to acceptance to happiness.
Talk to me and our readers!
Tell us what you think. Did any of the tips strike a chord? Have you used them in the past or after reading this article? If you read either memoirs, let us know your reaction in the comment section of this blog.
Thanks for reading! Thanks in advance for your comments. And thank for spreading the word about The Baby Decision.